An Open Letter

My dearest Pumpkin, (I so loved to cal u that.. :D )

I never got closure after things went sour between you and me. Everything went down on a very bitter note..na? I did not get to say certain things to you, cuz I rele did not think that night on phone, will be the last time I was talking to you. Went on blabbering stuff, which I thought could bring you back. In all this, bahut saari baatein reh gayi, jo mujhe lagta hai ki zaroori hai.

Firstly you were simply an amazing person... :-) Time spent with you was the most exciting time of my life. Every morning I woke up, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. Having you with me, made me so soo strong..you have no idea. You were this pretty woman, who was just so awesome. ;-) And honestly I always found you a little dumb, but that made you look kinda cute! :D I felt proud when you walked by my side. I have seen envy in other's eyes when I held your hand on the street. I wanted my whole world to know you. I have wanted to flaunt you to my friends and colleagues and family.. "That's MY girl..." :-) I swear I have pinched myself, to believe the amount of happiness you had ushered into my life. Problems would just vanish when I saw you after work. Things you said and did made me feel like I am the only man in this world, in your world, in our world. (You made me a hot cup of badam milk, when I said I had a tiresome day at work. :-) May be it meant nothing to you, But sach mein, no one has ever done something like that for me. ) Countless times I have asked myself, koi mere se sach mein itna pyaar kaise kar sakta hai??? :D I kept falling in love with you every day that I knew you. I shall not mince my words here, the few months you were mine, I have literally lived a dream. Immeasurable happiness and a dazzling promise of the future. It was beautiful. And from the bottom my heart, I wanna say Thank You. 

But then, may be you now believe that it was never meant to be. And I mean nothing to you anymore. From what I know, it was rather simple for you to take the decision, when your feelings for me died. 

Me trying to find answers to why did it all happen, is rather pointless now. As we have our own explanations for ourselves.  Main tumhe samajh nahin paya, but I promise I tried. I want you to believe me when I say, I had reached a point where making you happy was all that I thought about, and I did do things to that effect. But I fell short and I goofed up. Why did I fail... I blaming my circumstances and a lack of understanding of it from your side, sound like mere excuses. I have made a lot of them in life, so this time I wont. At the end of all this, it seems legit and just right your decision to let go of the unhappy part of your life. 

Now, coming to the pain. Its been very painful. It hurts every minute. Why did you do this to me? Koi insaan itni asaani se aur itni jaldi badal kaise sakta hai? You came into my life, and said you felt you gotta take care of me..but you put me in a cradle and pushed me off the cliff. I gave myself to you, when I said "I'm not fooling around with you" on 15th Aug 2011. Do all my crimes put together, justify you becoming so selfish..ki tumne bas woh kiya jo tumhe sahi laga? What right did you have to make a mockery of me, my feelings and my life, if you weren't sure of your feelings?

On the morning of 6th of May 2012.. I spent 7 hrs in the bus, scared and just praying that I get to see you at least for a few minutes and somehow say something magical and make everything alright between us. 4 pm, I texted you a few times, begged you to come see me. But you said, you just did not and could not want to see me, that you were out with your friends, the begging irritated you and you said I had already spoilt everything. 5pm it became clear, you're not coming. I cried sitting right there, but made sure no one noticed. Also, I was thinking you might just walk in, and get embarrassed by male tears. But I couldn't stop. Spent a long time in the wash room, dealing with those tears. I looked at myself in the mirror. The only question I got was "What have I made of myself?" ... I simply did not understand. I had bought a shirt just for this day. Now it seemed jut so ordinary... Moved to another coffee shop now. 6pm, 7pm, 8, 9, 10... I don't know, if I should say I was waiting for you, cuz you made it clear, you weren't coming. 1130pm, I got into a bus again to make an unsuccessful & painful return journey. Teary eyed, but hopes were still strong. I do not regret making that trip. It was a crazy thing to do for me, I'm glad I did it. But one advice for you... You've proved that you're capable, but please do not do it to someone else again. Some gestures in life, dushman bhi kare toh insaan ko reciprocate karna chahiye. #FriendlyAdvice. 

And all that you spoke in our final call... Made one thing obvious. Your decision to leave came first, the myriad reasons came afterwards. I know it, and its ok. 

I am sure you'll find someone good. I regret I couldn't be that guy who you spend the rest of your life with. 

The only problem I had with your past was I didn't wanna be just another boy friend of yours, I so soo  seriously wanted to be something more. Such a cruel joke fate played on me... 

From a broken home,

Bis...

सदा - अग्नी

सदा तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुज़से ही साँस है.. 

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

तू प्रथम, तू अमर.. प्रीत की हो सदा..

तू ही कारण है.. हर स्वबल से जुड़ा..

है डोरी, बँधी है, सदी से.. गूँजे जहा जाउ सदा..

तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुझसे ही साँस है..

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

This one's for you know who... :-)
Miss you... :-(

Someone Worthy

At the end of the day, everybody is going to hurt you.
No one's gonna be there for ever, and no one's gonna love you no matter what! (Not even your mom, trust me!)


We continue to forget or choose to shut our eyes to the fact that these promises are at the end of the day mere words, spoken by another mortal like you and like me. I know not of a so righteous a human being, who hasn't given up on his words or broken promises. That should make all of us deceitful scoundrels, isn't it? Again, not true! Intentions when we make promises are always damn right. Its over flowing with goodness.. well, most of the times. But then, people change, times change, situations and circumstances change. And we're left to lick our wounds ourselves.


But that's not the point I'm trying to make here.
What I've come to believe is this. Everybody around you is going to make you feel like a dick! Pardon my choice of words, but that's kinda true. You consider someone your friend, consider them close, consider them your love, life and all those things beyond, these are the people who are literally gonna show you hell in living day lights. These are the people whose words have the power to drive through your heart like a 500W power drill at 2000 rpm. Yes, you've felt it, I've felt it. We all have felt it.


But that's still not the point I'm trying to make.
My point is, that when everyone you know is going to power drill into your heart sitting on top of your chest, what's the point of all the jazz?? You know love, friendship, etc etc. Isn't it waste of time to be looking for someone who is never going to hurt you? Really. Aint happening, bros and sistas!


So my point being... Everyone's going to hurt you, but the trick is... To find someone who makes you feel the suffering's sooooo worth it! I think I've made some headway in that direction!! :-D Lolsss...


Finally, Don’t be with someone because it’s easy...be with someone because you love them...even if it’s difficult. ♥


Til next time! Adios! :-)

क्या इतना बुरा हूँ मैं माँ? :-(