ज़िन्दगी तो अपने दम पर जी जाती है, 
दूसरों के कन्धों पे तोह जनाज़े उठा करते हैं ।

- शहीद भगत सिंह 

But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains.

So all set for the holiday. This is the big one. One of those, that was a childhood dream. And you probably have been saving up to make this happen for close to..lets say a few years now. The flights were booked 6 months back. In very modest terms a fortune, is what you'd be spending in making this dream come true. That of course leaving aside the months and months of time and effort that you've put in researching, deciding and planning the places you wanna see. How you wanna do it. What you wanna do first, and what you wanna do last. You even bought a pocket dictionary last month, to help you haggle with the cabbies and the shop keepers. Oh yes, less said the better about all the shopping plans. The die hard foodie that you're known as, local cuisine has been on your mind since day one. Specialty restaurants, road side cafes, pubs, bars, exclusive parties... (including driving directions to all of them). Planned to the T. 

Snow capped mountains. That's all there is in your thoughts. Oh how beautiful they're gonna be... You imagine the chill in the air and the warmth of your fancy jackets. And hmmm... you realize  you're gonna look good in the black leather one... Duck feathers on the inside. Ah.. its gonna be paradise....

D day arrives. You launch outta bed. Rush to the airport. Get on board. Next stop - Zurich !!!

Flight lands, you get out and... wait a sec! Its bright and sunny and unbearably hot. Where am I??? No sight of the alps... Ah.. Wrong flight? Wrong ticket? Wrong Country? A slip in planning? Or may be the pilot just thought it was funny, to the take the flight off course! But whatever the reason, you have now landed in ... mmm ... Ah..  Rome. Wait a sec... ROME??????

There's no way out ... You have to spend the time in Italy, you had planned for Switzerland. Its over... Your dreams are dashed, your plans have hit the trash, your money gone in the air.

You start planning about getting back home... Check into a hotel room, disappointed. You sit on the bed and sulk....

"But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains." "But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains."

********************************************************

That's pretty much what life is. Dreams and plans for the future take over your present. And make you a machine that's just living with the promise of those dreams coming true. 

More often than not, our flight too will land somewhere we dint expect it to.

But are we gonna sulk in our hotel room, that snow was what you had carried clothes for. Or are we gonna go out... And see Italy. Bask in its beaches, see the Vatican, pick up an apparel or two from Milan, take a gondola ride in Venice and god knows what not!

Are we gonna shut ourselves from all the opportunities that the situation holds, just because this was not what you had in my mind. 

More often than not, that's what I end up doing. 

And more often than not, I don't even give my present a chance to may be prove that its better than my past and its better than what I wanted it to be. 

Life is beautiful... I belong here. 

An Open Letter

My dearest Pumpkin, (I so loved to cal u that.. :D )

I never got closure after things went sour between you and me. Everything went down on a very bitter note..na? I did not get to say certain things to you, cuz I rele did not think that night on phone, will be the last time I was talking to you. Went on blabbering stuff, which I thought could bring you back. In all this, bahut saari baatein reh gayi, jo mujhe lagta hai ki zaroori hai.

Firstly you were simply an amazing person... :-) Time spent with you was the most exciting time of my life. Every morning I woke up, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. Having you with me, made me so soo strong..you have no idea. You were this pretty woman, who was just so awesome. ;-) And honestly I always found you a little dumb, but that made you look kinda cute! :D I felt proud when you walked by my side. I have seen envy in other's eyes when I held your hand on the street. I wanted my whole world to know you. I have wanted to flaunt you to my friends and colleagues and family.. "That's MY girl..." :-) I swear I have pinched myself, to believe the amount of happiness you had ushered into my life. Problems would just vanish when I saw you after work. Things you said and did made me feel like I am the only man in this world, in your world, in our world. (You made me a hot cup of badam milk, when I said I had a tiresome day at work. :-) May be it meant nothing to you, But sach mein, no one has ever done something like that for me. ) Countless times I have asked myself, koi mere se sach mein itna pyaar kaise kar sakta hai??? :D I kept falling in love with you every day that I knew you. I shall not mince my words here, the few months you were mine, I have literally lived a dream. Immeasurable happiness and a dazzling promise of the future. It was beautiful. And from the bottom my heart, I wanna say Thank You. 

But then, may be you now believe that it was never meant to be. And I mean nothing to you anymore. From what I know, it was rather simple for you to take the decision, when your feelings for me died. 

Me trying to find answers to why did it all happen, is rather pointless now. As we have our own explanations for ourselves.  Main tumhe samajh nahin paya, but I promise I tried. I want you to believe me when I say, I had reached a point where making you happy was all that I thought about, and I did do things to that effect. But I fell short and I goofed up. Why did I fail... I blaming my circumstances and a lack of understanding of it from your side, sound like mere excuses. I have made a lot of them in life, so this time I wont. At the end of all this, it seems legit and just right your decision to let go of the unhappy part of your life. 

Now, coming to the pain. Its been very painful. It hurts every minute. Why did you do this to me? Koi insaan itni asaani se aur itni jaldi badal kaise sakta hai? You came into my life, and said you felt you gotta take care of me..but you put me in a cradle and pushed me off the cliff. I gave myself to you, when I said "I'm not fooling around with you" on 15th Aug 2011. Do all my crimes put together, justify you becoming so selfish..ki tumne bas woh kiya jo tumhe sahi laga? What right did you have to make a mockery of me, my feelings and my life, if you weren't sure of your feelings?

On the morning of 6th of May 2012.. I spent 7 hrs in the bus, scared and just praying that I get to see you at least for a few minutes and somehow say something magical and make everything alright between us. 4 pm, I texted you a few times, begged you to come see me. But you said, you just did not and could not want to see me, that you were out with your friends, the begging irritated you and you said I had already spoilt everything. 5pm it became clear, you're not coming. I cried sitting right there, but made sure no one noticed. Also, I was thinking you might just walk in, and get embarrassed by male tears. But I couldn't stop. Spent a long time in the wash room, dealing with those tears. I looked at myself in the mirror. The only question I got was "What have I made of myself?" ... I simply did not understand. I had bought a shirt just for this day. Now it seemed jut so ordinary... Moved to another coffee shop now. 6pm, 7pm, 8, 9, 10... I don't know, if I should say I was waiting for you, cuz you made it clear, you weren't coming. 1130pm, I got into a bus again to make an unsuccessful & painful return journey. Teary eyed, but hopes were still strong. I do not regret making that trip. It was a crazy thing to do for me, I'm glad I did it. But one advice for you... You've proved that you're capable, but please do not do it to someone else again. Some gestures in life, dushman bhi kare toh insaan ko reciprocate karna chahiye. #FriendlyAdvice. 

And all that you spoke in our final call... Made one thing obvious. Your decision to leave came first, the myriad reasons came afterwards. I know it, and its ok. 

I am sure you'll find someone good. I regret I couldn't be that guy who you spend the rest of your life with. 

The only problem I had with your past was I didn't wanna be just another boy friend of yours, I so soo  seriously wanted to be something more. Such a cruel joke fate played on me... 

From a broken home,

Bis...

सदा - अग्नी

सदा तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुज़से ही साँस है.. 

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

तू प्रथम, तू अमर.. प्रीत की हो सदा..

तू ही कारण है.. हर स्वबल से जुड़ा..

है डोरी, बँधी है, सदी से.. गूँजे जहा जाउ सदा..

तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुझसे ही साँस है..

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

This one's for you know who... :-)
Miss you... :-(

Someone Worthy

At the end of the day, everybody is going to hurt you.
No one's gonna be there for ever, and no one's gonna love you no matter what! (Not even your mom, trust me!)


We continue to forget or choose to shut our eyes to the fact that these promises are at the end of the day mere words, spoken by another mortal like you and like me. I know not of a so righteous a human being, who hasn't given up on his words or broken promises. That should make all of us deceitful scoundrels, isn't it? Again, not true! Intentions when we make promises are always damn right. Its over flowing with goodness.. well, most of the times. But then, people change, times change, situations and circumstances change. And we're left to lick our wounds ourselves.


But that's not the point I'm trying to make here.
What I've come to believe is this. Everybody around you is going to make you feel like a dick! Pardon my choice of words, but that's kinda true. You consider someone your friend, consider them close, consider them your love, life and all those things beyond, these are the people who are literally gonna show you hell in living day lights. These are the people whose words have the power to drive through your heart like a 500W power drill at 2000 rpm. Yes, you've felt it, I've felt it. We all have felt it.


But that's still not the point I'm trying to make.
My point is, that when everyone you know is going to power drill into your heart sitting on top of your chest, what's the point of all the jazz?? You know love, friendship, etc etc. Isn't it waste of time to be looking for someone who is never going to hurt you? Really. Aint happening, bros and sistas!


So my point being... Everyone's going to hurt you, but the trick is... To find someone who makes you feel the suffering's sooooo worth it! I think I've made some headway in that direction!! :-D Lolsss...


Finally, Don’t be with someone because it’s easy...be with someone because you love them...even if it’s difficult. ♥


Til next time! Adios! :-)

क्या इतना बुरा हूँ मैं माँ? :-(

F**ked up again...

Well.. Well.. Well... Fourth post of the year, and also turns out to be the fourth post of the month. But that's how it works doesn't it? When you having a good time, seldom does one wanna record it, cuz we so busy living the moment n all that jazz... And when the good times slide in to the bad, into the red, into the dark, into the negative. All I wanna do is talk about it. To no one in specific..may be just for myself. To be able to read this later, and think ..Ok..I did make past that dirty phase. 

So what's going wrong now... Its a wee bit complicated. Or so i wanna think, well there'd be others who'd wanna tell me its not complicated at all, and some one might even come n tell me..there's nothing wrong at all!! :-/ So.. that being that. I dont wanna come across as the "biggest crib-pot you've ever seen" (yeah..i've been called that). Lets just say, I remember biswadeep87.blogspot.com only when I'm feeling f**ked up.

I miss my life, like i knew it. I miss the warmth, I miss the love. I miss being taken care of. I miss those sweet nothings. I miss expressing my feelings, my love, my anger, my fears, my tribulations. I miss the feeling of being the protector, I miss my share of happiness, I miss everything I desired of being in a relationship. The biggest reason for me or for anyone to be in a relationship I feel is the feeling of someone's there for you at the end of the day, every day. No matter how bad the meeting, how terrible the day, how tough the deadlines..if you can still tell yourselves "I still have her/him"; the feeling is priceless. I miss this the most... Or I am being made to earn all of it, I don't know. Cuz technically I'm entitled to everything i jus said. Go figure!

I want everything back! My heart shouts out... Again and again, I land at the same place sulking and brooding over what i once had. Why? Am i so terrible a person? I know I've made mistakes in life. I've chosen the wrong path in the past. To take it to the extreme, I agree I've lived an amoral and unprincipled life in the past. But till when am I gonna be made to pay for it all! I don't know.

It feels, all I've got was a bunch of lies about forever and after. About love you no matter what. About I'll be there for you. and etc etc. चूतिया is the word..feel written on my forehead.

• "I don't feel for you, the way I used to. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
• "You spoil my mood, every time I talk to you."
• "I am better off being single, don't know why I keep making the same mistake again and again and regret it later."
• "I have nothing to say, if you do then talk; else hang up n sleep."
• "Your questions irritate me."
• "Your negatives are all that I can see now."

Just a few things, I've heard over the past 6-7 weeks. But honestly, what I have heard is not as painful as what I don't get to hear anymore. LOL... 

You did what you did when I needed you the most. This statement I've made before. Said it and not meant it. But right now, I guess this is the most that I've ever meant it. Feel lonely, feel scared, I don't know of what, its not clear, but i do.  I cry easily, but i can't show it. Cuz men don't cry, and someone who u expect to tell you that "it's all gonna be ok" tells you "you cry too much", then you better not be showing ur tears. 

I swear I'm trying really hard right now to hold on to something and protect it, while others are trying in equal measure to erase and destroy all that i cherish. A losing battle may be. But I've made promises and I wanna make every effort to keep them and also keep my aroused conscience in its place. 

अमीर ...

You'd say I'm definitely not.

Spare the thought.

Cuz our metrics seem to be very different. We define "rich" very differently! 

I ride a bike, got no car! I take d bus, cuz i think its cheap! I travel 2nd class, cuz I feel I know I can live sans d luxury! I wear no brands, cuz I think I can find something inexpensive. Some eyes probably see just this. And so goes the definition, by which boy am i poor or what!

But on the inside, the questions that defines my kinda "rich" go something like this:::: whether I have enough to fulfill every desire of my loved ones? Whether I am still protective of my dreams? Whether I can spare some for the needy? Whether I have done something in life I'm proud of? Whether I have made my loved ones proud of me? Whether I am content at night when I go to bed? Whether I'm looking forward to the promise that tomorrow holds? Whether my heart is still filled with love? Whether it beats faster at the thought of success? Whether I've realized my true potential? Whether I am still hungry for more?

Answers to these will never be homogeneous. You achieve one, in all likelihood you'd have fallen short of something else. And thus, by my definition, I'll probably never be rich. Ever in my life. and you know what... I prefer this, over being the richest person on earth by your definition!

I choose to do something for you, spend money on something for you, not cuz I wanna show I'm rich! I'm not! I have to cut corners. But I'd still do it to see u happy. You don't have to tell me, that I'm not rich.

मैं अमीर हूँ, जब  तुम  खुश  हो ... That's all you need to know.

उड़ान - अमिताभ भट्टाचार्य

जो लेहेरों से आगे नज़र देख पाती,

तो तुम जान लेते, मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

वो आवाज़ तुमको जो भेद जाती,

तो तुम सोचते की मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

ज़िद का तुम्हारा जो पर्दा सरकता,

तो खिडकियों से आगे तुम भी देख पाते ।

आँखों से आदतों की पलकें हटाते,

तो तुम जान लेते मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

मेरी तरह खुद पर होता ज़रा भरोसा,

तो कुछ देर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

नशा आसमान का जो चूमता तुम्हे भी,

हसरतें तुम्हारी नया जन्म पाती...

खुद दुसरे जन्म में मेरी उड़ान छूने,

कुछ दूर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

Feel bound to this thought, every day now.

My dreams will take flight again... 

And you'd be with me up there.

This I promise you...

Bravo Mr Bhattacharya! Bravo!

Right and Wrong

Something that I had come to very strongly believe in life as I grew up was this:- There's hardly any black or white in this world. We are all grey. Everything we do, everything we say, everything we make, everything we choose, every decision we take. Its all perfectly grey. Just that some are a darker shade of it and some a lighter one. Only to say that there are no entirely pure or entirely evil deeds in this world. Everything's got an element of both. In our conscience or not... But it does.


This very notion has been challenged heavily in my head over the last few days. More so in the sense of Right and Wrong. i.e. If i went ahead and applied the logic of the para one... There would be no clear distinction between right and wrong. #An act of murder in self defense. #An act of charity for tax benefit. But had that been the case in reality, what on earth could be the basis of the judicial system in a nation. If a right cannot be differentiated from wrong, and differentiated beyond all reasonable doubt, how does a judge or a jury meet out justice to the "aggrieved" and the "accused".


So then is the "theory of grey", yin and yang, all a mock up...? May be to help justify a clearly sinful act, justify murder, justify war, justify plunder of wealth, justify failure, justify everything we possibly don't want to happen to us. 

There was a time a few years back when I found peace in having this piece around my neck, I used to say to people that this helps you maintain balance in your life. There's a bit of bad in all the good, a bit of good in all the bad. Each entwined with the other for life. Still holding on, without the triumph of any one. And that's balance... #FengShui. About 4 years, that I had it. 


And now here I am questioning its very basis...


Why? Because off late I've been clearly getting to know the difference between the right and wrong. #All in my head.


So now what it comes down to is conscience. And conscience alone. All theories are correct probably in their own places. But right and wrong... are two different places, entrenched somewhere deep within ourselves, our souls and our hearts. Right or Wrong, one can only tell about his/her own self and no one else. And this realisation has brought a new found sense of responsibility within me. Responsibility to own up. Own up my mistakes.


Things we do are sometimes just mistakes, which no amount of justification can ever make right. Deep within we always know whether twas right or wrong. But that knowledge is usually clouded by things like ego, a burst of vengeance, a burst of rage, a burst of sorrow, a burst of empathy, a burst of lust. And in that clouded sense of judgement, we end up doing the "wrong". Later on, the justification are merely for the rest of the world. Cuz inside its now become all crystal clear.


Hiroshima and Nagasaki was wrong, no matter the Pearl Harbour. Babri was wrong, no matter the history. Iraq and Afghanistan were just wrong, no matter the 9/11... An eye for an eye, does make the whole world blind. 


Stealing from your cash stripped household was wrong, no matter how badly you needed the money, someone else could have made better use of it. Pushing a hapless kid from a 10ft wall was wrong, no matter what you thought his crime was. Crossing the line was wrong. Not trying enough to save a sinking ship was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Trying to walk out, to save yourself from being walked out, was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Sadly many a times, the recognition of this guilt, and this sense of self loathing after an act appears a bit too late. May be all that one's left with at that point is to be sorry. Sorry for being who you are. #Being who I am.


Two minutes. May be five. All that it probably takes. To wait and think before doing something, uttering something, not uttering something. To just think. I could do either this or that. One's gotta be wrong! Don't do it. Do the right thing. There's only one. Two minutes of diligence. Two minutes to put self respect #ego desire and emotions behind and evaluate consequences on stake holders of the situation and your actions. Two minutes to swallow pain and bring forwards the rationale you're otherwise so proud of, could save you/me may be a life long worth of repentance. 


Have faith in me. We'll make it right. Nothing's lost. I'll do the right thing. I'll try and fix the wrongs. I will come out of this with my head held high.