Faith & Belief

When life tests you to the point, just before which you think you're going to break. Of all things that remain at that moment in time, faith stands the tallest. What is faith after all, if it can't endure in the worst times, the most gruelling times. Faith alone remains till the end, and probably goes when it's home, the body and mind go away.

Everything else ceases to matter much before.

A realisation to this effect, also is a luxury that not all can have. When the going gets tough, and slowly but steadily everything that you hold so close to your heart starts crumbling, you begin to wonder if all of it really mattered in the first place. 'Cause when it's gone... We might brood but ultimately shift all our fondness to what is left of whatever that remains. The human mind knows how to manage change, handle crisis and respond to disaster better than any Business or Management guru can ever teach. 

Among all things that leave my mind-scape first are what I describe as "My Beliefs". I stop believing in something or someone, the moment I know it's a better choice in the long run. And these very beliefs masquerade themselves as my faith in something or someone. They have in the past and very successfully continue to do so. Only when the moment of truth comes and the masks fall off, do I know my faith is a farce. 

The premise of my pour-out today after indeed a long long time is becoming cognizant of how flimsy our contacts today are. Bound by a thread, at the max. 

It's my belief that those at my call, will not and shall not disappoint me. But it is a matter of faith in myself, that in the face of disappointment it would hardly matter what ever it was that I had chosen to believe in.

Cheers...

Makes Sense

2009 - 2013 Revisited

It's finally curtains for 2013... In a rather positive and optimistic tone I'd go ahead and declare it one of the more happily eventful year of my life. :-)

While memory can stretch really far into the past, but those that make me think of if's and but's and "missed and realized" opportunities; only occur to be appearing from sometime in early 2009. Beyond which little seemed to be in my control. Life brought me to where ever I was when I had turned 21. Only then did I take charge of where I wanted it to go from there.

2009 saw me graduate to become an Engineer. Saw me take some decisions in personal and professional life that were gonna change the course of both into a great abyss of uncertainty. Pursuing a masters from an institute I probably had not heard of when I began my journey towards it. Some miscalculated and misjudged decisions in the personal life that changed everything within me and ended all certainty and uncertainty in 2010.

2010 began with me having made peace with the ambiguity that existed in the end of 2009. And by the time 2010 ended, a butterfly had become of the caterpillar. Fell in love with a new city, fell out of love with a person, fell from the stairs, fell head over heels, two jobs fell in my lap. 2010 made me realize that the world is full of possibilities. And made me determined to give life a direction and not mere fall in line of the flow. 

2011 was when I became an MBA, traveled abroad for the first time, saw money in my hands the kind I had never imagined. :-) It was an amazing year, which strengthened the belief that it was all possible. 

2012 would be the year I dedicate to Chennai... :-) Lovely city. Lovely music on the radio... Rather impressive infrastructure. If only the weather and the people were a little more welcoming. A combination of events, people and places put together threw in a level of maturity in me that probably no year in the past had been able to achieve. It felt like getting kicked in the nuts to realize the pain that my then pseudo reality held. Was glad to be out of it... There was also somewhere in there that the decision to take firm control of my personal life was taken. (Results culminated or began to culminate only an year later.)

2013 again began on a rather uncertain note with me having no idea where "exactly" I was headed. Little better than the past but still not as certain as I would have liked. But slowly and steadily I seem to be figuring it out. Life. The job seems to be throwing newer challenges my way, every day. And I couldn't be complaining one bit. :-) The man got his own "big black shiny ride" and keeps falling in love with it every day... :-) And last but definitely not the least a fresh breeze of air walked into my life right in the middle of 2013. She's transformed the 2nd half of this relatively nondescript movie into this pot boiler full of romance, action and drama. Surprising me with stupid things. Sometimes with a bunch of flowers and sometimes with herself! :-D Never have I felt so safe and secured and loved and taken care of ever in my life. Never has someone's presence made me feel blessed as much. Happiness and hope sprinkled all around this cookie that's getting baked... :-) Oh it smells out of the world. Mmmmmmm... But wait, it's only getting better. :-) :-) :-)

Makes me think, if I have to replicate one year again in my life; things suitably magnified (to accommodate inflation etc :-D) may be I want something that happened 2013 all over again. Guess it only means that I only remember all the nice things that have happened over the last 12 months... or the nice things far outweigh the things I don't wanna remember.

On this note, I welcome 2014 and everything it holds. May we be endowed with lots and lots of occasions to celebrate and enough strength to confront the challenges. God bless ya'll. A very happy new year... :-)

;-)

A full circle ... again and again.

Some days, whether I plan to or not, I just end up sitting and reminiscing the past. Muse over "those days", "that time", "that friend", "that girl" and "that day". Realize that it can lead to a mini avalanche of thoughts in the head if I let it.

One thing that strikes out, is life quite doesn't come a full circle, as they put it. Or may be it hasn't yet for me. Considering my life might not be at the ripe of youth, but it's still pretty young by most standards! :-D What I mean to say is, things have only changed from one to another. And changed for the better, for most of it... (So a "full circle" isn't a real possibility, right???) And this has only helped me to appreciate and value time and all that it has given me and taught me more and more.

I was born in a middle class set up in a remote town of one of the poorest states of the country. My parents didn't come from families of means. They toiled hard to make ends meet, while giving us (the kids) the most amazing life and times I can imagine of...

Oct 1996 - A middle aged couple fights the maddening morning rush hour crowd at Dadar station, tightly clasping the hands of their 9 and 13 year old sons. All they knew was that they had to get on a local train to Borivali. After all, the kids were promised a trip to the only Amusement Park that India had back then. And it had to be done in that 4 day trip to the big bad city of Mumbai. A train, a bus and ferry ride later, they were finally there. A day, and small fortune well spent. The kids enjoyed their day till the last bit. And back home became heroes for having visited "Essel World". 
We were gonna be the only kids in my small town, who had been there till sometime to come. :-)

Oct 2001 - The same family (with adult boys now) waits for (preferably) an empty bus at 10 pm at Bangalore's biggest bus station. Hailing a cab was still not an option and it wouldn't be for many years to come. But no one complained... As always it was a fun evening. Loitering around from shop to shop in the bustling complexes of Majestic. Alankar Plaza, National Market, Burma Bazaar. The couple leaving no stone unturned in bargaining hard on cheap clothes and shoes for the "kids". :-) And rounding off the evening with a sumptuous Biryani meal at Navyuga.
The kind of evening I liked. We did this many a times during our early years in Bangalore.

And then I was lucky to have my best of friends, again from similar backgrounds. People with whom money was always scarce and fun was always plentiful. :-) Ah.. those days. Coffee Days and McDonald's were sheer luxuries. Owning a 100cc bike was the ultimate possession and making the maximum of the 100 buck buffet at Paramount was considered a week's desire fulfilled. :-)

Things have only gotten better in every possible way. Made money, made someone proud and a few times made my own day. Found love, lost love, found love a few times more. But still I take so much pride in my roots and the place in life where I come from. Whether or not someone else can see it, I'm a very different guy inside than who I seem to be on surface. Hmmm... Now, somehow the full circle is beginning to make sense.

May be it only means, we shall remain the same on the inside, and continue to pursue those people in friendships and relationships, whom we can relate to our roots. 'Cause everything else will continue to change in its own path. And it's with those people that we will see life going through similar rumblings again and again... Making us believe that life probably does come a full circle.

Me And The Rain...

So, this something led me to scavenge through some old stuff of mine today.
Lines written on the last pages of notebooks... Which later on were just torn apart and stored for posterity. :)

This particular one was written way back..WAYYYY BACK in the early part of 2004 I believe. When AB Vajpayee was still in power, Australia ruled World Cricket, baggy cargo pants were just about getting out of fashion in Bangalore..and I was this lousy 16 year old, trying so hard to be cool!! :)

"Me And The Rain" was what I had titled it back then, wouldn't want to change it now.... So here goes.

That was a night so dark,

One on one, with my greatest fear.

Face to face with water and wind,

Nobody around and all wait worthless,

No one to call out, no one to listen,

And I stood there waiting for her,

I was hurt and I was wet,

As wet as anyone could get,

Chilling winds and piercing drops,

As I stood and trembled in pain,

Some force kept me going,

Something kept my broken heart together,

Something kept my collapsing body firm,

And made me wait all night,

I waited hurt, I waited wet,

I stood and waited in pain,

But that night,

It was just me and the rain.

कौन हो तुम…?

कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?
क्यूँ कुछ पल तुम्हारे तुम से मांगे है ये मन।
क्यूँ सोचे है ये तुम्हे हर घडी कुछ इस तरह।
क्यूँ करे है आज मुझसे ये बेतुके सवाल…

आखिर कौन हो तुम?

मेरे इस दिशाहीन मन के लिए एक ज्योत हो तुम।
इसके भटकने का मार्ग हो तुम, गंतव्य भी हो तुम।
एक नया आरम्भ हो तुम, एक पुराना लक्ष्य हो तुम।
इसके नव अर्जित बावलेपन का श्रोत हो तुम।

कैसे समझाऊं इसे की कौन हो तुम?

क्या जवाब दूं इसे अब?

कैसे बतलाऊं इसे की कुछ नहीं हो तुम।

क्या कहूं जब लगे इसको की सब कुछ हो तुम।

मेरे जीवन के रंगमंच का एक पात्र हो तुम।
क्या भूमिका है तुम्हारी, पूछे ये पागल मन।
संभवतः मेरी ही अधूरी कोई कविता हो तुम।
क्या कभी होगी पूरी, विचारे है आज ये मन।

आखिर कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?