An Open Letter

My dearest Pumpkin, (I so loved to cal u that.. :D )

I never got closure after things went sour between you and me. Everything went down on a very bitter note..na? I did not get to say certain things to you, cuz I rele did not think that night on phone, will be the last time I was talking to you. Went on blabbering stuff, which I thought could bring you back. In all this, bahut saari baatein reh gayi, jo mujhe lagta hai ki zaroori hai.

Firstly you were simply an amazing person... :-) Time spent with you was the most exciting time of my life. Every morning I woke up, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. Having you with me, made me so soo strong..you have no idea. You were this pretty woman, who was just so awesome. ;-) And honestly I always found you a little dumb, but that made you look kinda cute! :D I felt proud when you walked by my side. I have seen envy in other's eyes when I held your hand on the street. I wanted my whole world to know you. I have wanted to flaunt you to my friends and colleagues and family.. "That's MY girl..." :-) I swear I have pinched myself, to believe the amount of happiness you had ushered into my life. Problems would just vanish when I saw you after work. Things you said and did made me feel like I am the only man in this world, in your world, in our world. (You made me a hot cup of badam milk, when I said I had a tiresome day at work. :-) May be it meant nothing to you, But sach mein, no one has ever done something like that for me. ) Countless times I have asked myself, koi mere se sach mein itna pyaar kaise kar sakta hai??? :D I kept falling in love with you every day that I knew you. I shall not mince my words here, the few months you were mine, I have literally lived a dream. Immeasurable happiness and a dazzling promise of the future. It was beautiful. And from the bottom my heart, I wanna say Thank You. 

But then, may be you now believe that it was never meant to be. And I mean nothing to you anymore. From what I know, it was rather simple for you to take the decision, when your feelings for me died. 

Me trying to find answers to why did it all happen, is rather pointless now. As we have our own explanations for ourselves.  Main tumhe samajh nahin paya, but I promise I tried. I want you to believe me when I say, I had reached a point where making you happy was all that I thought about, and I did do things to that effect. But I fell short and I goofed up. Why did I fail... I blaming my circumstances and a lack of understanding of it from your side, sound like mere excuses. I have made a lot of them in life, so this time I wont. At the end of all this, it seems legit and just right your decision to let go of the unhappy part of your life. 

Now, coming to the pain. Its been very painful. It hurts every minute. Why did you do this to me? Koi insaan itni asaani se aur itni jaldi badal kaise sakta hai? You came into my life, and said you felt you gotta take care of me..but you put me in a cradle and pushed me off the cliff. I gave myself to you, when I said "I'm not fooling around with you" on 15th Aug 2011. Do all my crimes put together, justify you becoming so selfish..ki tumne bas woh kiya jo tumhe sahi laga? What right did you have to make a mockery of me, my feelings and my life, if you weren't sure of your feelings?

On the morning of 6th of May 2012.. I spent 7 hrs in the bus, scared and just praying that I get to see you at least for a few minutes and somehow say something magical and make everything alright between us. 4 pm, I texted you a few times, begged you to come see me. But you said, you just did not and could not want to see me, that you were out with your friends, the begging irritated you and you said I had already spoilt everything. 5pm it became clear, you're not coming. I cried sitting right there, but made sure no one noticed. Also, I was thinking you might just walk in, and get embarrassed by male tears. But I couldn't stop. Spent a long time in the wash room, dealing with those tears. I looked at myself in the mirror. The only question I got was "What have I made of myself?" ... I simply did not understand. I had bought a shirt just for this day. Now it seemed jut so ordinary... Moved to another coffee shop now. 6pm, 7pm, 8, 9, 10... I don't know, if I should say I was waiting for you, cuz you made it clear, you weren't coming. 1130pm, I got into a bus again to make an unsuccessful & painful return journey. Teary eyed, but hopes were still strong. I do not regret making that trip. It was a crazy thing to do for me, I'm glad I did it. But one advice for you... You've proved that you're capable, but please do not do it to someone else again. Some gestures in life, dushman bhi kare toh insaan ko reciprocate karna chahiye. #FriendlyAdvice. 

And all that you spoke in our final call... Made one thing obvious. Your decision to leave came first, the myriad reasons came afterwards. I know it, and its ok. 

I am sure you'll find someone good. I regret I couldn't be that guy who you spend the rest of your life with. 

The only problem I had with your past was I didn't wanna be just another boy friend of yours, I so soo  seriously wanted to be something more. Such a cruel joke fate played on me... 

From a broken home,

Bis...