Me And The Rain...

So, this something led me to scavenge through some old stuff of mine today.
Lines written on the last pages of notebooks... Which later on were just torn apart and stored for posterity. :)

This particular one was written way back..WAYYYY BACK in the early part of 2004 I believe. When AB Vajpayee was still in power, Australia ruled World Cricket, baggy cargo pants were just about getting out of fashion in Bangalore..and I was this lousy 16 year old, trying so hard to be cool!! :)

"Me And The Rain" was what I had titled it back then, wouldn't want to change it now.... So here goes.

That was a night so dark,

One on one, with my greatest fear.

Face to face with water and wind,

Nobody around and all wait worthless,

No one to call out, no one to listen,

And I stood there waiting for her,

I was hurt and I was wet,

As wet as anyone could get,

Chilling winds and piercing drops,

As I stood and trembled in pain,

Some force kept me going,

Something kept my broken heart together,

Something kept my collapsing body firm,

And made me wait all night,

I waited hurt, I waited wet,

I stood and waited in pain,

But that night,

It was just me and the rain.

कौन हो तुम…?

कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?
क्यूँ कुछ पल तुम्हारे तुम से मांगे है ये मन।
क्यूँ सोचे है ये तुम्हे हर घडी कुछ इस तरह।
क्यूँ करे है आज मुझसे ये बेतुके सवाल…

आखिर कौन हो तुम?

मेरे इस दिशाहीन मन के लिए एक ज्योत हो तुम।
इसके भटकने का मार्ग हो तुम, गंतव्य भी हो तुम।
एक नया आरम्भ हो तुम, एक पुराना लक्ष्य हो तुम।
इसके नव अर्जित बावलेपन का श्रोत हो तुम।

कैसे समझाऊं इसे की कौन हो तुम?

क्या जवाब दूं इसे अब?

कैसे बतलाऊं इसे की कुछ नहीं हो तुम।

क्या कहूं जब लगे इसको की सब कुछ हो तुम।

मेरे जीवन के रंगमंच का एक पात्र हो तुम।
क्या भूमिका है तुम्हारी, पूछे ये पागल मन।
संभवतः मेरी ही अधूरी कोई कविता हो तुम।
क्या कभी होगी पूरी, विचारे है आज ये मन।

आखिर कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?

I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

Here in the dark, in these lonely hours,

I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power...

But you won't, no you won't...

'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

- Bon Iver, Nick of Time

An Unforeseen Predicament

So here's what's happening right now.

I find myself falling. Falling hard and fast. Feels like I'm gonna break some bones for sure, if I'm not gonna try breaking my fall instead. There's a very strong feeling, that probably this will not end well. :-(

On top of the misty hills, on a chilly night. She sits there by the fire. Talking about how this dude and this relationship with him has transformed her, and her life. I nod along, as if in agreement even though I barely know her. But deep inside me, I begin to realize of another transformation in progress. It was me. And how I feel about her.

It was all moving so fast. I don't get a chance to think and ponder, over What? Who? Why? How? I just feel drawn towards something. Torn apart between two things rather... Between two guys. Each pulling me to become them. Overwhelming, is the word to describe the experience of those few hours under the star lit sky.

When the smoke dies out in the morning... I realize something else. I don't want to be ending up as either guy. I don't wanna become that selfish home-wrecking bastard about whom someone will talk about for a long long time. And I definitely don't wanna be the other guy as well. The poor lonesome jackass who is just left in the cold wishing and praying that by some god created miracle this "oh so desirable" chick ends up in his arms and far far away from the other dude!

Crazy! But wish I could not feel a thing! Wish I could just turn the damn thing off... Is there a "feelings" button somewhere??? :-o

I don't know what. But something makes me wanna think of you and me as "us"; makes me wanna give this feeling a chance to infest in me; makes me wanna know you more, know you better; makes me wanna see you happy, see you smile; makes me wanna woo you; makes me wanna swoop you off your feet; makes me wanna win you over for me and something that makes me hope... that I could make you feel the same way too.

I did not see this coming. But a predicament of whatever might... I'm not quite enjoying it right now. Cuz I jolly well don't know what to expect next. This feeling of "What's gonna happen next???", this doubt that makes butterflies flutter their wings in my stomach is simply a feeling that I cannot afford to have right now and definitely not for this person. It's one of those moments, where you know something's not good for you but it tempts you all the more for that very reason. "Thinking and drooling" about this girl is just that. A bad habit. That is rapidly spinning out of control into an ugly addiction.

But, god willing, I'm gonna have to be wise over here. For I've been a fool many a times. You are a fleeting desire, which I must get rid of for everyone to be happy. You are a character in my story of life, whose part, even though being quite interesting till now, must end soon. :-( You are this smart, funny, independent and beautiful woman, about whom I can only think of as someone out of my league and out of my reach; about whom I only know so much that you seem the one; about whom I only want to remember these nice things, that I don't wish to know you any further. So long pretty one... So long.

No Regrets

I've lived a life, where when I look back, there are times and there are people, whom I'd cherish n celebrate forever. N against that, very very few things I regret. This for me..is a successful life. I wish..it to be no different as I march ahead... :-) May life continue to surprise me, the way it ha s in the past. Not too much to as for, right??? ;-)

ज़िन्दगी तो अपने दम पर जी जाती है, 
दूसरों के कन्धों पे तोह जनाज़े उठा करते हैं ।

- शहीद भगत सिंह 

But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains.

So all set for the holiday. This is the big one. One of those, that was a childhood dream. And you probably have been saving up to make this happen for close to..lets say a few years now. The flights were booked 6 months back. In very modest terms a fortune, is what you'd be spending in making this dream come true. That of course leaving aside the months and months of time and effort that you've put in researching, deciding and planning the places you wanna see. How you wanna do it. What you wanna do first, and what you wanna do last. You even bought a pocket dictionary last month, to help you haggle with the cabbies and the shop keepers. Oh yes, less said the better about all the shopping plans. The die hard foodie that you're known as, local cuisine has been on your mind since day one. Specialty restaurants, road side cafes, pubs, bars, exclusive parties... (including driving directions to all of them). Planned to the T. 

Snow capped mountains. That's all there is in your thoughts. Oh how beautiful they're gonna be... You imagine the chill in the air and the warmth of your fancy jackets. And hmmm... you realize  you're gonna look good in the black leather one... Duck feathers on the inside. Ah.. its gonna be paradise....

D day arrives. You launch outta bed. Rush to the airport. Get on board. Next stop - Zurich !!!

Flight lands, you get out and... wait a sec! Its bright and sunny and unbearably hot. Where am I??? No sight of the alps... Ah.. Wrong flight? Wrong ticket? Wrong Country? A slip in planning? Or may be the pilot just thought it was funny, to the take the flight off course! But whatever the reason, you have now landed in ... mmm ... Ah..  Rome. Wait a sec... ROME??????

There's no way out ... You have to spend the time in Italy, you had planned for Switzerland. Its over... Your dreams are dashed, your plans have hit the trash, your money gone in the air.

You start planning about getting back home... Check into a hotel room, disappointed. You sit on the bed and sulk....

"But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains." "But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains."

********************************************************

That's pretty much what life is. Dreams and plans for the future take over your present. And make you a machine that's just living with the promise of those dreams coming true. 

More often than not, our flight too will land somewhere we dint expect it to.

But are we gonna sulk in our hotel room, that snow was what you had carried clothes for. Or are we gonna go out... And see Italy. Bask in its beaches, see the Vatican, pick up an apparel or two from Milan, take a gondola ride in Venice and god knows what not!

Are we gonna shut ourselves from all the opportunities that the situation holds, just because this was not what you had in my mind. 

More often than not, that's what I end up doing. 

And more often than not, I don't even give my present a chance to may be prove that its better than my past and its better than what I wanted it to be. 

Life is beautiful... I belong here.