F**ked up again...

Well.. Well.. Well... Fourth post of the year, and also turns out to be the fourth post of the month. But that's how it works doesn't it? When you having a good time, seldom does one wanna record it, cuz we so busy living the moment n all that jazz... And when the good times slide in to the bad, into the red, into the dark, into the negative. All I wanna do is talk about it. To no one in specific..may be just for myself. To be able to read this later, and think ..Ok..I did make past that dirty phase. 

So what's going wrong now... Its a wee bit complicated. Or so i wanna think, well there'd be others who'd wanna tell me its not complicated at all, and some one might even come n tell me..there's nothing wrong at all!! :-/ So.. that being that. I dont wanna come across as the "biggest crib-pot you've ever seen" (yeah..i've been called that). Lets just say, I remember biswadeep87.blogspot.com only when I'm feeling f**ked up.

I miss my life, like i knew it. I miss the warmth, I miss the love. I miss being taken care of. I miss those sweet nothings. I miss expressing my feelings, my love, my anger, my fears, my tribulations. I miss the feeling of being the protector, I miss my share of happiness, I miss everything I desired of being in a relationship. The biggest reason for me or for anyone to be in a relationship I feel is the feeling of someone's there for you at the end of the day, every day. No matter how bad the meeting, how terrible the day, how tough the deadlines..if you can still tell yourselves "I still have her/him"; the feeling is priceless. I miss this the most... Or I am being made to earn all of it, I don't know. Cuz technically I'm entitled to everything i jus said. Go figure!

I want everything back! My heart shouts out... Again and again, I land at the same place sulking and brooding over what i once had. Why? Am i so terrible a person? I know I've made mistakes in life. I've chosen the wrong path in the past. To take it to the extreme, I agree I've lived an amoral and unprincipled life in the past. But till when am I gonna be made to pay for it all! I don't know.

It feels, all I've got was a bunch of lies about forever and after. About love you no matter what. About I'll be there for you. and etc etc. चूतिया is the word..feel written on my forehead.

• "I don't feel for you, the way I used to. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
• "You spoil my mood, every time I talk to you."
• "I am better off being single, don't know why I keep making the same mistake again and again and regret it later."
• "I have nothing to say, if you do then talk; else hang up n sleep."
• "Your questions irritate me."
• "Your negatives are all that I can see now."

Just a few things, I've heard over the past 6-7 weeks. But honestly, what I have heard is not as painful as what I don't get to hear anymore. LOL... 

You did what you did when I needed you the most. This statement I've made before. Said it and not meant it. But right now, I guess this is the most that I've ever meant it. Feel lonely, feel scared, I don't know of what, its not clear, but i do.  I cry easily, but i can't show it. Cuz men don't cry, and someone who u expect to tell you that "it's all gonna be ok" tells you "you cry too much", then you better not be showing ur tears. 

I swear I'm trying really hard right now to hold on to something and protect it, while others are trying in equal measure to erase and destroy all that i cherish. A losing battle may be. But I've made promises and I wanna make every effort to keep them and also keep my aroused conscience in its place.