A good time, place and person... Gone bad.

130am... A day well spent... I wud have said.. should have said. Wat the hell went wrong today then? Why does it feel like this? This aint right man.

No one wants to be taken for granted... And the feeling's worst when you know you are being taken for granted..only u cud stop it but you wont..cuz u cant. U feel helpless....

Living life like this was probably a dream once... But what have i become now..is more closer to someone i probably would have despised in the past.

The human mind always wanders back to the past... to the "simpler times". And I am no different.. If ever life gave me a second shot at living my life again.... sadly my present and current utterly adaucious and irresponsible ways is all I would wanna do away with! My past seems just so perfect.. Sadly we can never value and see how perfect lives are in the present! And its always... a good time you once had or a good time u wanna have in the future. I have no doubt... my life was beautiful. It was amazing... a pride present in me with no real effort. But now .. d pride's lost..n its only a facade..called "life".

I miss a lot of things today... A lot of people. A lot of places.. Miss Garwa, Miss Poonam... :-( Miss d 12th room on the 2nd floor. Miss my brothers.. Miss a city with a P, miss my days at TYA... How i hated travelling from Aundh to Wagholi..wish i knew..what was in store for me. Miss darshan park... Miss Pathardi Phata.. Miss those shared cab rides..to Kasara. Miss the long train journeys... Bangalore, Kalyan, Nashik, Pune, Mumbai, Nashik, Kalyan, Chennai, Pondicherry, Chennai, Bangalore, Kalyan, Nashik. Miss the all night longs in colaba... Miss the evenings spent in Marine drive. Miss those days when the wallet governed tastes, likes, dislikes... Miss days when window shopping in forum and a coffee in In&Out was the way of life. Everyday... Miss days when the simple things you did could make your loved ones smile.

Someone put me to sleep... I could go on and on and on..until it stops making any sense. LOL...

Today all i know is..I wanna change a lot of things in my life. A lot... Cuz i am not happy.. and i am notnaraz with anyone. Its probably only me..i am pissed off with. I could not hold on to the things that I once had..and things that mattered. I fucked up... and now all my head does is play games with me. Like its doing right now..

I wanna go back ma... I wanna go away..from all this. Create an identity that is a lot different from this current one. Where I am guy, who has his head firmly on his shoulders, n has no fake airs to himself. Promises what he can deliver.. and does nothing..not even a rat's ass worth..just to please someone else.

Ges dats wat it has come down to... I feel I have lost an identity I was once proud of. 

FUCK!!!! Dat is it...! Problem defined...! And ges my first step towards completely sorting myself up. LOL...

Writing does help... :-)

Forever And After...

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है, हाँ थोडा दर्द हुआ, पर चलता है...

A dear friend of mine, had once suggested.. “Keep writing, for no one else but for yourselves. For one day you would want to write something positive and pleasant about life after all the posts about how sad you’re with life and yourselves.” I guess that day has come… And as they say it, better late..than never.

In the past few months a realisation that has hit me really really hard in the face is that… Nothing lasts forever. No change is permanent and the only thing permanent is change. Promises are at the end of the day mere words spoken by a mortal like you and me. They are never to be taken seriously… At least not for long!

When something seriously seriously goes wrong in our lives, we often sit back and tend to think.. “This is going to change my life forever…” But then in reality, we WISH that it changes our lives forever. That’s what we hope for, but as I have realised now, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Something might change us, from what we used to be to someone we wish weren’t but then we change again!!! No matter how hard you try, you will change. One cannot stay the same forever… We live in a pretty dynamic world and our surroundings will not let that happen.

So… I was torn, devastated and overcome with grief to a point where I began enjoying it. My dreams shattered and my life thrown out of gear so much that I began finding sense it all the mayhem and chaos that ensued. A time came where I wished to remain in that state of chaos all through my life… I was absolutely loving it. But then again how silly was I..to wish for something to stay forever… Whether I liked it or not, things were to change. Life was preparing me for one 180 degree shift after another… And whatttaaa shift this was!! :)

And again!!! I find myself at a place where I pray every moment of my life now that this new change somehow lasts forever... Huh...!

Don't Speak

Someday someone might come into your life and... Love you the way you've always wanted.

If your someday was yesterday, learn. :(
If your someday is tomorrow, hope. :)
If your someday is today, cherish. ♥

Another Flushing

किसी को मेरी याद आये एक अरसा हुआ,
कोई है हैरान, तो कोई तरसा हुआ,
इस तरह है खामोश, ये दिल, ये आँखें मेरी...
जैसे खामोश हो कोई बादल बरसा हुआ |

Fighting a desire every single day... to get to you.
May be you feel it too... may be its as bad for you as it is for me.
May be, you cry too when you're lonely, when you sleep at nights, when you think of times we spent together...

Are you happy?? Or are you sad? I so wanna know... Me? I "was" plain sad, for sometime. But now, I keep switching... Between being sad, and being confused. Question myself again and again. Why Why Why? Why should i be sad? I'm not guilty of anything here... Well..I probably don't have the balls to be really happy right now, cuz of the small reason that it feels like someone has turned half of my world upside down. But c'mon guyzz!! I needn't be sad, right?

Its like in an exam... Flunked cuz you studied for the wrong paper, probably. May be you did study for the right one, but goofed up in those few hrs..when you had to deliver. Either case, you can save some heart and take pride. But just that, this particular event in my life was more like a team effort! Team of two..or may be more. Where your performance alone does not matter... It could be the best game of your life, but when your team/partner/s don't back you up, its game over my friend! Then again... there still is some pride and some dignity to walk off the field with your head held high. I am not ashamed to leave ground like this. But what are you feeling? Are you ashamed of what your act has cost the team? Was there ever a team that existed in your mind...? Or its just that, your mind, doesn't work like mine... Well, whatever it is, the team's out of the game and in my mind twas cuz one member couldn't get their act together in time!

But its alright partner, you couldn't help it. Or so I want to believe... At the same time, I want you to know that I'd still be there to watch your back, if we were ever on the same team one more time.

उड़ान - आज़ादियाँ - अमिताभ भट्टाचार्य

पैरों कि बेड़ियाँ ख्वाबों को बांधे नहीं रे, कभी नहीं रे,
मिटटी कि परतों को, नन्हे से अंकुर भी चीरे, धीरे धेरे,
इरादे हरे हरे जिनके सीनों में घर करे,
वो दिल कि सुने, करे, ना डरे...

सुबह कि किरणों को रोके जो सलाखें है कहाँ,
जो ख्यालों पे पहरे डाले वोह आँखें हैं कहाँ,
पर खुलने कि देरी है, परिंदे उड़के चूमेंगे,
आसमान आसमान आसमान...

आज़ादियाँ आज़ादियाँ,
मांगे ना कभी, मिले मिले मिले,
आज़ादियाँ आज़ादियाँ,
जो छीने वही, जी ले जी ले जी ले...

तू ही बता ज़िन्दगी - अरमान

किसे किसे जवाब दूं,
बुझा बुझा यह दिल है क्यों...
क्या मैं कहूं,
बिखरा है क्यों सपना मेरा...

तू ही बता ज़िन्दगी,
जो भी हुआ क्यों हुआ...
खोई है क्यों हर ख़ुशी,
किस कि लगी बद-दुआ...

Love the way you lie part 2....

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie...

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Ohhh, I love the way you lie...

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

No Bravery

I had told her... "A sadness has engulfed my life ma.. I dunno what to do.. It just wont go away..". And all she said was "You're my brave son, you will come out of this!"

I have come to realize, she was right... and she was wrong at the same time. I mean, she probably knows my strengths more than anyone else in this world. But she just doesn't know my inner workings that well enough...

Yes, I am brave. But no, I am not going to come out of this.

Simply 'cuz I am brave enough to choose not to. Its hurting inside, more and more each day. And u know what? I am beginning to enjoy this... more and more each day. I tell people that I just need time to be alright... But I am alright..trust me! I may not be having the time of my life, but I am enjoying this. I am happy. This realization that I am capable of so much love. I am capable of loving someone so much is priceless... A love that went waste nevertheless. But only after ushering in a change in me, a change for the better...

There has been some crying, cribbing and complaining... About how this "life is so unfair". About how "this decision is being forced upon me", about just some plain "why why why???". But we all learn to work our ways around these. So have I...

There are two possibilities, under which you lose a person you immensely are in love with:

1. When the person choses to cut you and throw you away from their life! Or...
2. When the person you loved... dies.

I choose to tel myself, that the girl, with whom I had fell in love with has died. For me, she just didn't leave me but she left this world as well... And this other girl who I know still lives somewhere, only looks like her and that too remotely. She is nothing like the girl I knew. These two are not the same woman! Simply 'cuz my girl cared for me... she would worry about me and she knew that I'd worry about her. But this other one probably doesn't even know and didn't bother if i existed.

My girl just couldn't help herself... she just died. She couldn't do anything about it. Neither could I. No matter how nonsensical this might sound, but I have convinced myself that this what the truth is... I had fallen in love with an amazing woman. But now that she's no more, what gives me or anyone else for that sake, the right to make stop loving her...? There might be no bravery here.. But I simply choose to not come out of this love. I don't need time and I have realized intoxication helps but only for a very very short while in the larger scheme of things! I probably need someone who is just as brave as me...