Faith & Belief

When life tests you to the point, just before which you think you're going to break. Of all things that remain at that moment in time, faith stands the tallest. What is faith after all, if it can't endure in the worst times, the most gruelling times. Faith alone remains till the end, and probably goes when it's home, the body and mind go away.

Everything else ceases to matter much before.

A realisation to this effect, also is a luxury that not all can have. When the going gets tough, and slowly but steadily everything that you hold so close to your heart starts crumbling, you begin to wonder if all of it really mattered in the first place. 'Cause when it's gone... We might brood but ultimately shift all our fondness to what is left of whatever that remains. The human mind knows how to manage change, handle crisis and respond to disaster better than any Business or Management guru can ever teach. 

Among all things that leave my mind-scape first are what I describe as "My Beliefs". I stop believing in something or someone, the moment I know it's a better choice in the long run. And these very beliefs masquerade themselves as my faith in something or someone. They have in the past and very successfully continue to do so. Only when the moment of truth comes and the masks fall off, do I know my faith is a farce. 

The premise of my pour-out today after indeed a long long time is becoming cognizant of how flimsy our contacts today are. Bound by a thread, at the max. 

It's my belief that those at my call, will not and shall not disappoint me. But it is a matter of faith in myself, that in the face of disappointment it would hardly matter what ever it was that I had chosen to believe in.

Cheers...

Makes Sense

2009 - 2013 Revisited

It's finally curtains for 2013... In a rather positive and optimistic tone I'd go ahead and declare it one of the more happily eventful year of my life. :-)

While memory can stretch really far into the past, but those that make me think of if's and but's and "missed and realized" opportunities; only occur to be appearing from sometime in early 2009. Beyond which little seemed to be in my control. Life brought me to where ever I was when I had turned 21. Only then did I take charge of where I wanted it to go from there.

2009 saw me graduate to become an Engineer. Saw me take some decisions in personal and professional life that were gonna change the course of both into a great abyss of uncertainty. Pursuing a masters from an institute I probably had not heard of when I began my journey towards it. Some miscalculated and misjudged decisions in the personal life that changed everything within me and ended all certainty and uncertainty in 2010.

2010 began with me having made peace with the ambiguity that existed in the end of 2009. And by the time 2010 ended, a butterfly had become of the caterpillar. Fell in love with a new city, fell out of love with a person, fell from the stairs, fell head over heels, two jobs fell in my lap. 2010 made me realize that the world is full of possibilities. And made me determined to give life a direction and not mere fall in line of the flow. 

2011 was when I became an MBA, traveled abroad for the first time, saw money in my hands the kind I had never imagined. :-) It was an amazing year, which strengthened the belief that it was all possible. 

2012 would be the year I dedicate to Chennai... :-) Lovely city. Lovely music on the radio... Rather impressive infrastructure. If only the weather and the people were a little more welcoming. A combination of events, people and places put together threw in a level of maturity in me that probably no year in the past had been able to achieve. It felt like getting kicked in the nuts to realize the pain that my then pseudo reality held. Was glad to be out of it... There was also somewhere in there that the decision to take firm control of my personal life was taken. (Results culminated or began to culminate only an year later.)

2013 again began on a rather uncertain note with me having no idea where "exactly" I was headed. Little better than the past but still not as certain as I would have liked. But slowly and steadily I seem to be figuring it out. Life. The job seems to be throwing newer challenges my way, every day. And I couldn't be complaining one bit. :-) The man got his own "big black shiny ride" and keeps falling in love with it every day... :-) And last but definitely not the least a fresh breeze of air walked into my life right in the middle of 2013. She's transformed the 2nd half of this relatively nondescript movie into this pot boiler full of romance, action and drama. Surprising me with stupid things. Sometimes with a bunch of flowers and sometimes with herself! :-D Never have I felt so safe and secured and loved and taken care of ever in my life. Never has someone's presence made me feel blessed as much. Happiness and hope sprinkled all around this cookie that's getting baked... :-) Oh it smells out of the world. Mmmmmmm... But wait, it's only getting better. :-) :-) :-)

Makes me think, if I have to replicate one year again in my life; things suitably magnified (to accommodate inflation etc :-D) may be I want something that happened 2013 all over again. Guess it only means that I only remember all the nice things that have happened over the last 12 months... or the nice things far outweigh the things I don't wanna remember.

On this note, I welcome 2014 and everything it holds. May we be endowed with lots and lots of occasions to celebrate and enough strength to confront the challenges. God bless ya'll. A very happy new year... :-)

;-)

A full circle ... again and again.

Some days, whether I plan to or not, I just end up sitting and reminiscing the past. Muse over "those days", "that time", "that friend", "that girl" and "that day". Realize that it can lead to a mini avalanche of thoughts in the head if I let it.

One thing that strikes out, is life quite doesn't come a full circle, as they put it. Or may be it hasn't yet for me. Considering my life might not be at the ripe of youth, but it's still pretty young by most standards! :-D What I mean to say is, things have only changed from one to another. And changed for the better, for most of it... (So a "full circle" isn't a real possibility, right???) And this has only helped me to appreciate and value time and all that it has given me and taught me more and more.

I was born in a middle class set up in a remote town of one of the poorest states of the country. My parents didn't come from families of means. They toiled hard to make ends meet, while giving us (the kids) the most amazing life and times I can imagine of...

Oct 1996 - A middle aged couple fights the maddening morning rush hour crowd at Dadar station, tightly clasping the hands of their 9 and 13 year old sons. All they knew was that they had to get on a local train to Borivali. After all, the kids were promised a trip to the only Amusement Park that India had back then. And it had to be done in that 4 day trip to the big bad city of Mumbai. A train, a bus and ferry ride later, they were finally there. A day, and small fortune well spent. The kids enjoyed their day till the last bit. And back home became heroes for having visited "Essel World". 
We were gonna be the only kids in my small town, who had been there till sometime to come. :-)

Oct 2001 - The same family (with adult boys now) waits for (preferably) an empty bus at 10 pm at Bangalore's biggest bus station. Hailing a cab was still not an option and it wouldn't be for many years to come. But no one complained... As always it was a fun evening. Loitering around from shop to shop in the bustling complexes of Majestic. Alankar Plaza, National Market, Burma Bazaar. The couple leaving no stone unturned in bargaining hard on cheap clothes and shoes for the "kids". :-) And rounding off the evening with a sumptuous Biryani meal at Navyuga.
The kind of evening I liked. We did this many a times during our early years in Bangalore.

And then I was lucky to have my best of friends, again from similar backgrounds. People with whom money was always scarce and fun was always plentiful. :-) Ah.. those days. Coffee Days and McDonald's were sheer luxuries. Owning a 100cc bike was the ultimate possession and making the maximum of the 100 buck buffet at Paramount was considered a week's desire fulfilled. :-)

Things have only gotten better in every possible way. Made money, made someone proud and a few times made my own day. Found love, lost love, found love a few times more. But still I take so much pride in my roots and the place in life where I come from. Whether or not someone else can see it, I'm a very different guy inside than who I seem to be on surface. Hmmm... Now, somehow the full circle is beginning to make sense.

May be it only means, we shall remain the same on the inside, and continue to pursue those people in friendships and relationships, whom we can relate to our roots. 'Cause everything else will continue to change in its own path. And it's with those people that we will see life going through similar rumblings again and again... Making us believe that life probably does come a full circle.

Me And The Rain...

So, this something led me to scavenge through some old stuff of mine today.
Lines written on the last pages of notebooks... Which later on were just torn apart and stored for posterity. :)

This particular one was written way back..WAYYYY BACK in the early part of 2004 I believe. When AB Vajpayee was still in power, Australia ruled World Cricket, baggy cargo pants were just about getting out of fashion in Bangalore..and I was this lousy 16 year old, trying so hard to be cool!! :)

"Me And The Rain" was what I had titled it back then, wouldn't want to change it now.... So here goes.

That was a night so dark,

One on one, with my greatest fear.

Face to face with water and wind,

Nobody around and all wait worthless,

No one to call out, no one to listen,

And I stood there waiting for her,

I was hurt and I was wet,

As wet as anyone could get,

Chilling winds and piercing drops,

As I stood and trembled in pain,

Some force kept me going,

Something kept my broken heart together,

Something kept my collapsing body firm,

And made me wait all night,

I waited hurt, I waited wet,

I stood and waited in pain,

But that night,

It was just me and the rain.

कौन हो तुम…?

कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?
क्यूँ कुछ पल तुम्हारे तुम से मांगे है ये मन।
क्यूँ सोचे है ये तुम्हे हर घडी कुछ इस तरह।
क्यूँ करे है आज मुझसे ये बेतुके सवाल…

आखिर कौन हो तुम?

मेरे इस दिशाहीन मन के लिए एक ज्योत हो तुम।
इसके भटकने का मार्ग हो तुम, गंतव्य भी हो तुम।
एक नया आरम्भ हो तुम, एक पुराना लक्ष्य हो तुम।
इसके नव अर्जित बावलेपन का श्रोत हो तुम।

कैसे समझाऊं इसे की कौन हो तुम?

क्या जवाब दूं इसे अब?

कैसे बतलाऊं इसे की कुछ नहीं हो तुम।

क्या कहूं जब लगे इसको की सब कुछ हो तुम।

मेरे जीवन के रंगमंच का एक पात्र हो तुम।
क्या भूमिका है तुम्हारी, पूछे ये पागल मन।
संभवतः मेरी ही अधूरी कोई कविता हो तुम।
क्या कभी होगी पूरी, विचारे है आज ये मन।

आखिर कौन हो तुम…?
क्यूँ तुम्हें इस तरह चाहे है ये मन?

I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

Here in the dark, in these lonely hours,

I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power...

But you won't, no you won't...

'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

- Bon Iver, Nick of Time

An Unforeseen Predicament

So here's what's happening right now.

I find myself falling. Falling hard and fast. Feels like I'm gonna break some bones for sure, if I'm not gonna try breaking my fall instead. There's a very strong feeling, that probably this will not end well. :-(

On top of the misty hills, on a chilly night. She sits there by the fire. Talking about how this dude and this relationship with him has transformed her, and her life. I nod along, as if in agreement even though I barely know her. But deep inside me, I begin to realize of another transformation in progress. It was me. And how I feel about her.

It was all moving so fast. I don't get a chance to think and ponder, over What? Who? Why? How? I just feel drawn towards something. Torn apart between two things rather... Between two guys. Each pulling me to become them. Overwhelming, is the word to describe the experience of those few hours under the star lit sky.

When the smoke dies out in the morning... I realize something else. I don't want to be ending up as either guy. I don't wanna become that selfish home-wrecking bastard about whom someone will talk about for a long long time. And I definitely don't wanna be the other guy as well. The poor lonesome jackass who is just left in the cold wishing and praying that by some god created miracle this "oh so desirable" chick ends up in his arms and far far away from the other dude!

Crazy! But wish I could not feel a thing! Wish I could just turn the damn thing off... Is there a "feelings" button somewhere??? :-o

I don't know what. But something makes me wanna think of you and me as "us"; makes me wanna give this feeling a chance to infest in me; makes me wanna know you more, know you better; makes me wanna see you happy, see you smile; makes me wanna woo you; makes me wanna swoop you off your feet; makes me wanna win you over for me and something that makes me hope... that I could make you feel the same way too.

I did not see this coming. But a predicament of whatever might... I'm not quite enjoying it right now. Cuz I jolly well don't know what to expect next. This feeling of "What's gonna happen next???", this doubt that makes butterflies flutter their wings in my stomach is simply a feeling that I cannot afford to have right now and definitely not for this person. It's one of those moments, where you know something's not good for you but it tempts you all the more for that very reason. "Thinking and drooling" about this girl is just that. A bad habit. That is rapidly spinning out of control into an ugly addiction.

But, god willing, I'm gonna have to be wise over here. For I've been a fool many a times. You are a fleeting desire, which I must get rid of for everyone to be happy. You are a character in my story of life, whose part, even though being quite interesting till now, must end soon. :-( You are this smart, funny, independent and beautiful woman, about whom I can only think of as someone out of my league and out of my reach; about whom I only know so much that you seem the one; about whom I only want to remember these nice things, that I don't wish to know you any further. So long pretty one... So long.

No Regrets

I've lived a life, where when I look back, there are times and there are people, whom I'd cherish n celebrate forever. N against that, very very few things I regret. This for me..is a successful life. I wish..it to be no different as I march ahead... :-) May life continue to surprise me, the way it ha s in the past. Not too much to as for, right??? ;-)

ज़िन्दगी तो अपने दम पर जी जाती है, 
दूसरों के कन्धों पे तोह जनाज़े उठा करते हैं ।

- शहीद भगत सिंह 

But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains.

So all set for the holiday. This is the big one. One of those, that was a childhood dream. And you probably have been saving up to make this happen for close to..lets say a few years now. The flights were booked 6 months back. In very modest terms a fortune, is what you'd be spending in making this dream come true. That of course leaving aside the months and months of time and effort that you've put in researching, deciding and planning the places you wanna see. How you wanna do it. What you wanna do first, and what you wanna do last. You even bought a pocket dictionary last month, to help you haggle with the cabbies and the shop keepers. Oh yes, less said the better about all the shopping plans. The die hard foodie that you're known as, local cuisine has been on your mind since day one. Specialty restaurants, road side cafes, pubs, bars, exclusive parties... (including driving directions to all of them). Planned to the T. 

Snow capped mountains. That's all there is in your thoughts. Oh how beautiful they're gonna be... You imagine the chill in the air and the warmth of your fancy jackets. And hmmm... you realize  you're gonna look good in the black leather one... Duck feathers on the inside. Ah.. its gonna be paradise....

D day arrives. You launch outta bed. Rush to the airport. Get on board. Next stop - Zurich !!!

Flight lands, you get out and... wait a sec! Its bright and sunny and unbearably hot. Where am I??? No sight of the alps... Ah.. Wrong flight? Wrong ticket? Wrong Country? A slip in planning? Or may be the pilot just thought it was funny, to the take the flight off course! But whatever the reason, you have now landed in ... mmm ... Ah..  Rome. Wait a sec... ROME??????

There's no way out ... You have to spend the time in Italy, you had planned for Switzerland. Its over... Your dreams are dashed, your plans have hit the trash, your money gone in the air.

You start planning about getting back home... Check into a hotel room, disappointed. You sit on the bed and sulk....

"But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains." "But I had packed for Snow Capped Mountains."

********************************************************

That's pretty much what life is. Dreams and plans for the future take over your present. And make you a machine that's just living with the promise of those dreams coming true. 

More often than not, our flight too will land somewhere we dint expect it to.

But are we gonna sulk in our hotel room, that snow was what you had carried clothes for. Or are we gonna go out... And see Italy. Bask in its beaches, see the Vatican, pick up an apparel or two from Milan, take a gondola ride in Venice and god knows what not!

Are we gonna shut ourselves from all the opportunities that the situation holds, just because this was not what you had in my mind. 

More often than not, that's what I end up doing. 

And more often than not, I don't even give my present a chance to may be prove that its better than my past and its better than what I wanted it to be. 

Life is beautiful... I belong here. 

An Open Letter

My dearest Pumpkin, (I so loved to cal u that.. :D )

I never got closure after things went sour between you and me. Everything went down on a very bitter note..na? I did not get to say certain things to you, cuz I rele did not think that night on phone, will be the last time I was talking to you. Went on blabbering stuff, which I thought could bring you back. In all this, bahut saari baatein reh gayi, jo mujhe lagta hai ki zaroori hai.

Firstly you were simply an amazing person... :-) Time spent with you was the most exciting time of my life. Every morning I woke up, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. Having you with me, made me so soo strong..you have no idea. You were this pretty woman, who was just so awesome. ;-) And honestly I always found you a little dumb, but that made you look kinda cute! :D I felt proud when you walked by my side. I have seen envy in other's eyes when I held your hand on the street. I wanted my whole world to know you. I have wanted to flaunt you to my friends and colleagues and family.. "That's MY girl..." :-) I swear I have pinched myself, to believe the amount of happiness you had ushered into my life. Problems would just vanish when I saw you after work. Things you said and did made me feel like I am the only man in this world, in your world, in our world. (You made me a hot cup of badam milk, when I said I had a tiresome day at work. :-) May be it meant nothing to you, But sach mein, no one has ever done something like that for me. ) Countless times I have asked myself, koi mere se sach mein itna pyaar kaise kar sakta hai??? :D I kept falling in love with you every day that I knew you. I shall not mince my words here, the few months you were mine, I have literally lived a dream. Immeasurable happiness and a dazzling promise of the future. It was beautiful. And from the bottom my heart, I wanna say Thank You. 

But then, may be you now believe that it was never meant to be. And I mean nothing to you anymore. From what I know, it was rather simple for you to take the decision, when your feelings for me died. 

Me trying to find answers to why did it all happen, is rather pointless now. As we have our own explanations for ourselves.  Main tumhe samajh nahin paya, but I promise I tried. I want you to believe me when I say, I had reached a point where making you happy was all that I thought about, and I did do things to that effect. But I fell short and I goofed up. Why did I fail... I blaming my circumstances and a lack of understanding of it from your side, sound like mere excuses. I have made a lot of them in life, so this time I wont. At the end of all this, it seems legit and just right your decision to let go of the unhappy part of your life. 

Now, coming to the pain. Its been very painful. It hurts every minute. Why did you do this to me? Koi insaan itni asaani se aur itni jaldi badal kaise sakta hai? You came into my life, and said you felt you gotta take care of me..but you put me in a cradle and pushed me off the cliff. I gave myself to you, when I said "I'm not fooling around with you" on 15th Aug 2011. Do all my crimes put together, justify you becoming so selfish..ki tumne bas woh kiya jo tumhe sahi laga? What right did you have to make a mockery of me, my feelings and my life, if you weren't sure of your feelings?

On the morning of 6th of May 2012.. I spent 7 hrs in the bus, scared and just praying that I get to see you at least for a few minutes and somehow say something magical and make everything alright between us. 4 pm, I texted you a few times, begged you to come see me. But you said, you just did not and could not want to see me, that you were out with your friends, the begging irritated you and you said I had already spoilt everything. 5pm it became clear, you're not coming. I cried sitting right there, but made sure no one noticed. Also, I was thinking you might just walk in, and get embarrassed by male tears. But I couldn't stop. Spent a long time in the wash room, dealing with those tears. I looked at myself in the mirror. The only question I got was "What have I made of myself?" ... I simply did not understand. I had bought a shirt just for this day. Now it seemed jut so ordinary... Moved to another coffee shop now. 6pm, 7pm, 8, 9, 10... I don't know, if I should say I was waiting for you, cuz you made it clear, you weren't coming. 1130pm, I got into a bus again to make an unsuccessful & painful return journey. Teary eyed, but hopes were still strong. I do not regret making that trip. It was a crazy thing to do for me, I'm glad I did it. But one advice for you... You've proved that you're capable, but please do not do it to someone else again. Some gestures in life, dushman bhi kare toh insaan ko reciprocate karna chahiye. #FriendlyAdvice. 

And all that you spoke in our final call... Made one thing obvious. Your decision to leave came first, the myriad reasons came afterwards. I know it, and its ok. 

I am sure you'll find someone good. I regret I couldn't be that guy who you spend the rest of your life with. 

The only problem I had with your past was I didn't wanna be just another boy friend of yours, I so soo  seriously wanted to be something more. Such a cruel joke fate played on me... 

From a broken home,

Bis...

सदा - अग्नी

सदा तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुज़से ही साँस है.. 

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

तू प्रथम, तू अमर.. प्रीत की हो सदा..

तू ही कारण है.. हर स्वबल से जुड़ा..

है डोरी, बँधी है, सदी से.. गूँजे जहा जाउ सदा..

तेरा ही वास है.. सदा तुझसे ही साँस है..

सदा रंग है तू रास है.. सदा जगी यूँही आस है..

This one's for you know who... :-)
Miss you... :-(

Someone Worthy

At the end of the day, everybody is going to hurt you.
No one's gonna be there for ever, and no one's gonna love you no matter what! (Not even your mom, trust me!)


We continue to forget or choose to shut our eyes to the fact that these promises are at the end of the day mere words, spoken by another mortal like you and like me. I know not of a so righteous a human being, who hasn't given up on his words or broken promises. That should make all of us deceitful scoundrels, isn't it? Again, not true! Intentions when we make promises are always damn right. Its over flowing with goodness.. well, most of the times. But then, people change, times change, situations and circumstances change. And we're left to lick our wounds ourselves.


But that's not the point I'm trying to make here.
What I've come to believe is this. Everybody around you is going to make you feel like a dick! Pardon my choice of words, but that's kinda true. You consider someone your friend, consider them close, consider them your love, life and all those things beyond, these are the people who are literally gonna show you hell in living day lights. These are the people whose words have the power to drive through your heart like a 500W power drill at 2000 rpm. Yes, you've felt it, I've felt it. We all have felt it.


But that's still not the point I'm trying to make.
My point is, that when everyone you know is going to power drill into your heart sitting on top of your chest, what's the point of all the jazz?? You know love, friendship, etc etc. Isn't it waste of time to be looking for someone who is never going to hurt you? Really. Aint happening, bros and sistas!


So my point being... Everyone's going to hurt you, but the trick is... To find someone who makes you feel the suffering's sooooo worth it! I think I've made some headway in that direction!! :-D Lolsss...


Finally, Don’t be with someone because it’s easy...be with someone because you love them...even if it’s difficult. ♥


Til next time! Adios! :-)

क्या इतना बुरा हूँ मैं माँ? :-(

F**ked up again...

Well.. Well.. Well... Fourth post of the year, and also turns out to be the fourth post of the month. But that's how it works doesn't it? When you having a good time, seldom does one wanna record it, cuz we so busy living the moment n all that jazz... And when the good times slide in to the bad, into the red, into the dark, into the negative. All I wanna do is talk about it. To no one in specific..may be just for myself. To be able to read this later, and think ..Ok..I did make past that dirty phase. 

So what's going wrong now... Its a wee bit complicated. Or so i wanna think, well there'd be others who'd wanna tell me its not complicated at all, and some one might even come n tell me..there's nothing wrong at all!! :-/ So.. that being that. I dont wanna come across as the "biggest crib-pot you've ever seen" (yeah..i've been called that). Lets just say, I remember biswadeep87.blogspot.com only when I'm feeling f**ked up.

I miss my life, like i knew it. I miss the warmth, I miss the love. I miss being taken care of. I miss those sweet nothings. I miss expressing my feelings, my love, my anger, my fears, my tribulations. I miss the feeling of being the protector, I miss my share of happiness, I miss everything I desired of being in a relationship. The biggest reason for me or for anyone to be in a relationship I feel is the feeling of someone's there for you at the end of the day, every day. No matter how bad the meeting, how terrible the day, how tough the deadlines..if you can still tell yourselves "I still have her/him"; the feeling is priceless. I miss this the most... Or I am being made to earn all of it, I don't know. Cuz technically I'm entitled to everything i jus said. Go figure!

I want everything back! My heart shouts out... Again and again, I land at the same place sulking and brooding over what i once had. Why? Am i so terrible a person? I know I've made mistakes in life. I've chosen the wrong path in the past. To take it to the extreme, I agree I've lived an amoral and unprincipled life in the past. But till when am I gonna be made to pay for it all! I don't know.

It feels, all I've got was a bunch of lies about forever and after. About love you no matter what. About I'll be there for you. and etc etc. चूतिया is the word..feel written on my forehead.

• "I don't feel for you, the way I used to. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
• "You spoil my mood, every time I talk to you."
• "I am better off being single, don't know why I keep making the same mistake again and again and regret it later."
• "I have nothing to say, if you do then talk; else hang up n sleep."
• "Your questions irritate me."
• "Your negatives are all that I can see now."

Just a few things, I've heard over the past 6-7 weeks. But honestly, what I have heard is not as painful as what I don't get to hear anymore. LOL... 

You did what you did when I needed you the most. This statement I've made before. Said it and not meant it. But right now, I guess this is the most that I've ever meant it. Feel lonely, feel scared, I don't know of what, its not clear, but i do.  I cry easily, but i can't show it. Cuz men don't cry, and someone who u expect to tell you that "it's all gonna be ok" tells you "you cry too much", then you better not be showing ur tears. 

I swear I'm trying really hard right now to hold on to something and protect it, while others are trying in equal measure to erase and destroy all that i cherish. A losing battle may be. But I've made promises and I wanna make every effort to keep them and also keep my aroused conscience in its place. 

अमीर ...

You'd say I'm definitely not.

Spare the thought.

Cuz our metrics seem to be very different. We define "rich" very differently! 

I ride a bike, got no car! I take d bus, cuz i think its cheap! I travel 2nd class, cuz I feel I know I can live sans d luxury! I wear no brands, cuz I think I can find something inexpensive. Some eyes probably see just this. And so goes the definition, by which boy am i poor or what!

But on the inside, the questions that defines my kinda "rich" go something like this:::: whether I have enough to fulfill every desire of my loved ones? Whether I am still protective of my dreams? Whether I can spare some for the needy? Whether I have done something in life I'm proud of? Whether I have made my loved ones proud of me? Whether I am content at night when I go to bed? Whether I'm looking forward to the promise that tomorrow holds? Whether my heart is still filled with love? Whether it beats faster at the thought of success? Whether I've realized my true potential? Whether I am still hungry for more?

Answers to these will never be homogeneous. You achieve one, in all likelihood you'd have fallen short of something else. And thus, by my definition, I'll probably never be rich. Ever in my life. and you know what... I prefer this, over being the richest person on earth by your definition!

I choose to do something for you, spend money on something for you, not cuz I wanna show I'm rich! I'm not! I have to cut corners. But I'd still do it to see u happy. You don't have to tell me, that I'm not rich.

मैं अमीर हूँ, जब  तुम  खुश  हो ... That's all you need to know.

उड़ान - अमिताभ भट्टाचार्य

जो लेहेरों से आगे नज़र देख पाती,

तो तुम जान लेते, मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

वो आवाज़ तुमको जो भेद जाती,

तो तुम सोचते की मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

ज़िद का तुम्हारा जो पर्दा सरकता,

तो खिडकियों से आगे तुम भी देख पाते ।

आँखों से आदतों की पलकें हटाते,

तो तुम जान लेते मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

मेरी तरह खुद पर होता ज़रा भरोसा,

तो कुछ देर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

नशा आसमान का जो चूमता तुम्हे भी,

हसरतें तुम्हारी नया जन्म पाती...

खुद दुसरे जन्म में मेरी उड़ान छूने,

कुछ दूर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

Feel bound to this thought, every day now.

My dreams will take flight again... 

And you'd be with me up there.

This I promise you...

Bravo Mr Bhattacharya! Bravo!

Right and Wrong

Something that I had come to very strongly believe in life as I grew up was this:- There's hardly any black or white in this world. We are all grey. Everything we do, everything we say, everything we make, everything we choose, every decision we take. Its all perfectly grey. Just that some are a darker shade of it and some a lighter one. Only to say that there are no entirely pure or entirely evil deeds in this world. Everything's got an element of both. In our conscience or not... But it does.


This very notion has been challenged heavily in my head over the last few days. More so in the sense of Right and Wrong. i.e. If i went ahead and applied the logic of the para one... There would be no clear distinction between right and wrong. #An act of murder in self defense. #An act of charity for tax benefit. But had that been the case in reality, what on earth could be the basis of the judicial system in a nation. If a right cannot be differentiated from wrong, and differentiated beyond all reasonable doubt, how does a judge or a jury meet out justice to the "aggrieved" and the "accused".


So then is the "theory of grey", yin and yang, all a mock up...? May be to help justify a clearly sinful act, justify murder, justify war, justify plunder of wealth, justify failure, justify everything we possibly don't want to happen to us. 

There was a time a few years back when I found peace in having this piece around my neck, I used to say to people that this helps you maintain balance in your life. There's a bit of bad in all the good, a bit of good in all the bad. Each entwined with the other for life. Still holding on, without the triumph of any one. And that's balance... #FengShui. About 4 years, that I had it. 


And now here I am questioning its very basis...


Why? Because off late I've been clearly getting to know the difference between the right and wrong. #All in my head.


So now what it comes down to is conscience. And conscience alone. All theories are correct probably in their own places. But right and wrong... are two different places, entrenched somewhere deep within ourselves, our souls and our hearts. Right or Wrong, one can only tell about his/her own self and no one else. And this realisation has brought a new found sense of responsibility within me. Responsibility to own up. Own up my mistakes.


Things we do are sometimes just mistakes, which no amount of justification can ever make right. Deep within we always know whether twas right or wrong. But that knowledge is usually clouded by things like ego, a burst of vengeance, a burst of rage, a burst of sorrow, a burst of empathy, a burst of lust. And in that clouded sense of judgement, we end up doing the "wrong". Later on, the justification are merely for the rest of the world. Cuz inside its now become all crystal clear.


Hiroshima and Nagasaki was wrong, no matter the Pearl Harbour. Babri was wrong, no matter the history. Iraq and Afghanistan were just wrong, no matter the 9/11... An eye for an eye, does make the whole world blind. 


Stealing from your cash stripped household was wrong, no matter how badly you needed the money, someone else could have made better use of it. Pushing a hapless kid from a 10ft wall was wrong, no matter what you thought his crime was. Crossing the line was wrong. Not trying enough to save a sinking ship was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Trying to walk out, to save yourself from being walked out, was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Sadly many a times, the recognition of this guilt, and this sense of self loathing after an act appears a bit too late. May be all that one's left with at that point is to be sorry. Sorry for being who you are. #Being who I am.


Two minutes. May be five. All that it probably takes. To wait and think before doing something, uttering something, not uttering something. To just think. I could do either this or that. One's gotta be wrong! Don't do it. Do the right thing. There's only one. Two minutes of diligence. Two minutes to put self respect #ego desire and emotions behind and evaluate consequences on stake holders of the situation and your actions. Two minutes to swallow pain and bring forwards the rationale you're otherwise so proud of, could save you/me may be a life long worth of repentance. 


Have faith in me. We'll make it right. Nothing's lost. I'll do the right thing. I'll try and fix the wrongs. I will come out of this with my head held high.