क्या इतना बुरा हूँ मैं माँ? :-(

F**ked up again...

Well.. Well.. Well... Fourth post of the year, and also turns out to be the fourth post of the month. But that's how it works doesn't it? When you having a good time, seldom does one wanna record it, cuz we so busy living the moment n all that jazz... And when the good times slide in to the bad, into the red, into the dark, into the negative. All I wanna do is talk about it. To no one in specific..may be just for myself. To be able to read this later, and think ..Ok..I did make past that dirty phase. 

So what's going wrong now... Its a wee bit complicated. Or so i wanna think, well there'd be others who'd wanna tell me its not complicated at all, and some one might even come n tell me..there's nothing wrong at all!! :-/ So.. that being that. I dont wanna come across as the "biggest crib-pot you've ever seen" (yeah..i've been called that). Lets just say, I remember biswadeep87.blogspot.com only when I'm feeling f**ked up.

I miss my life, like i knew it. I miss the warmth, I miss the love. I miss being taken care of. I miss those sweet nothings. I miss expressing my feelings, my love, my anger, my fears, my tribulations. I miss the feeling of being the protector, I miss my share of happiness, I miss everything I desired of being in a relationship. The biggest reason for me or for anyone to be in a relationship I feel is the feeling of someone's there for you at the end of the day, every day. No matter how bad the meeting, how terrible the day, how tough the deadlines..if you can still tell yourselves "I still have her/him"; the feeling is priceless. I miss this the most... Or I am being made to earn all of it, I don't know. Cuz technically I'm entitled to everything i jus said. Go figure!

I want everything back! My heart shouts out... Again and again, I land at the same place sulking and brooding over what i once had. Why? Am i so terrible a person? I know I've made mistakes in life. I've chosen the wrong path in the past. To take it to the extreme, I agree I've lived an amoral and unprincipled life in the past. But till when am I gonna be made to pay for it all! I don't know.

It feels, all I've got was a bunch of lies about forever and after. About love you no matter what. About I'll be there for you. and etc etc. चूतिया is the word..feel written on my forehead.

• "I don't feel for you, the way I used to. I'm sorry but I can't help it."
• "You spoil my mood, every time I talk to you."
• "I am better off being single, don't know why I keep making the same mistake again and again and regret it later."
• "I have nothing to say, if you do then talk; else hang up n sleep."
• "Your questions irritate me."
• "Your negatives are all that I can see now."

Just a few things, I've heard over the past 6-7 weeks. But honestly, what I have heard is not as painful as what I don't get to hear anymore. LOL... 

You did what you did when I needed you the most. This statement I've made before. Said it and not meant it. But right now, I guess this is the most that I've ever meant it. Feel lonely, feel scared, I don't know of what, its not clear, but i do.  I cry easily, but i can't show it. Cuz men don't cry, and someone who u expect to tell you that "it's all gonna be ok" tells you "you cry too much", then you better not be showing ur tears. 

I swear I'm trying really hard right now to hold on to something and protect it, while others are trying in equal measure to erase and destroy all that i cherish. A losing battle may be. But I've made promises and I wanna make every effort to keep them and also keep my aroused conscience in its place. 

अमीर ...

You'd say I'm definitely not.

Spare the thought.

Cuz our metrics seem to be very different. We define "rich" very differently! 

I ride a bike, got no car! I take d bus, cuz i think its cheap! I travel 2nd class, cuz I feel I know I can live sans d luxury! I wear no brands, cuz I think I can find something inexpensive. Some eyes probably see just this. And so goes the definition, by which boy am i poor or what!

But on the inside, the questions that defines my kinda "rich" go something like this:::: whether I have enough to fulfill every desire of my loved ones? Whether I am still protective of my dreams? Whether I can spare some for the needy? Whether I have done something in life I'm proud of? Whether I have made my loved ones proud of me? Whether I am content at night when I go to bed? Whether I'm looking forward to the promise that tomorrow holds? Whether my heart is still filled with love? Whether it beats faster at the thought of success? Whether I've realized my true potential? Whether I am still hungry for more?

Answers to these will never be homogeneous. You achieve one, in all likelihood you'd have fallen short of something else. And thus, by my definition, I'll probably never be rich. Ever in my life. and you know what... I prefer this, over being the richest person on earth by your definition!

I choose to do something for you, spend money on something for you, not cuz I wanna show I'm rich! I'm not! I have to cut corners. But I'd still do it to see u happy. You don't have to tell me, that I'm not rich.

मैं अमीर हूँ, जब  तुम  खुश  हो ... That's all you need to know.

उड़ान - अमिताभ भट्टाचार्य

जो लेहेरों से आगे नज़र देख पाती,

तो तुम जान लेते, मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

वो आवाज़ तुमको जो भेद जाती,

तो तुम सोचते की मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

ज़िद का तुम्हारा जो पर्दा सरकता,

तो खिडकियों से आगे तुम भी देख पाते ।

आँखों से आदतों की पलकें हटाते,

तो तुम जान लेते मैं क्या सोचता हूँ...

मेरी तरह खुद पर होता ज़रा भरोसा,

तो कुछ देर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

नशा आसमान का जो चूमता तुम्हे भी,

हसरतें तुम्हारी नया जन्म पाती...

खुद दुसरे जन्म में मेरी उड़ान छूने,

कुछ दूर तुम भी साथ साथ आते ।

Feel bound to this thought, every day now.

My dreams will take flight again... 

And you'd be with me up there.

This I promise you...

Bravo Mr Bhattacharya! Bravo!

Right and Wrong

Something that I had come to very strongly believe in life as I grew up was this:- There's hardly any black or white in this world. We are all grey. Everything we do, everything we say, everything we make, everything we choose, every decision we take. Its all perfectly grey. Just that some are a darker shade of it and some a lighter one. Only to say that there are no entirely pure or entirely evil deeds in this world. Everything's got an element of both. In our conscience or not... But it does.


This very notion has been challenged heavily in my head over the last few days. More so in the sense of Right and Wrong. i.e. If i went ahead and applied the logic of the para one... There would be no clear distinction between right and wrong. #An act of murder in self defense. #An act of charity for tax benefit. But had that been the case in reality, what on earth could be the basis of the judicial system in a nation. If a right cannot be differentiated from wrong, and differentiated beyond all reasonable doubt, how does a judge or a jury meet out justice to the "aggrieved" and the "accused".


So then is the "theory of grey", yin and yang, all a mock up...? May be to help justify a clearly sinful act, justify murder, justify war, justify plunder of wealth, justify failure, justify everything we possibly don't want to happen to us. 

There was a time a few years back when I found peace in having this piece around my neck, I used to say to people that this helps you maintain balance in your life. There's a bit of bad in all the good, a bit of good in all the bad. Each entwined with the other for life. Still holding on, without the triumph of any one. And that's balance... #FengShui. About 4 years, that I had it. 


And now here I am questioning its very basis...


Why? Because off late I've been clearly getting to know the difference between the right and wrong. #All in my head.


So now what it comes down to is conscience. And conscience alone. All theories are correct probably in their own places. But right and wrong... are two different places, entrenched somewhere deep within ourselves, our souls and our hearts. Right or Wrong, one can only tell about his/her own self and no one else. And this realisation has brought a new found sense of responsibility within me. Responsibility to own up. Own up my mistakes.


Things we do are sometimes just mistakes, which no amount of justification can ever make right. Deep within we always know whether twas right or wrong. But that knowledge is usually clouded by things like ego, a burst of vengeance, a burst of rage, a burst of sorrow, a burst of empathy, a burst of lust. And in that clouded sense of judgement, we end up doing the "wrong". Later on, the justification are merely for the rest of the world. Cuz inside its now become all crystal clear.


Hiroshima and Nagasaki was wrong, no matter the Pearl Harbour. Babri was wrong, no matter the history. Iraq and Afghanistan were just wrong, no matter the 9/11... An eye for an eye, does make the whole world blind. 


Stealing from your cash stripped household was wrong, no matter how badly you needed the money, someone else could have made better use of it. Pushing a hapless kid from a 10ft wall was wrong, no matter what you thought his crime was. Crossing the line was wrong. Not trying enough to save a sinking ship was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Trying to walk out, to save yourself from being walked out, was wrong, no matter the self respect issues. Sadly many a times, the recognition of this guilt, and this sense of self loathing after an act appears a bit too late. May be all that one's left with at that point is to be sorry. Sorry for being who you are. #Being who I am.


Two minutes. May be five. All that it probably takes. To wait and think before doing something, uttering something, not uttering something. To just think. I could do either this or that. One's gotta be wrong! Don't do it. Do the right thing. There's only one. Two minutes of diligence. Two minutes to put self respect #ego desire and emotions behind and evaluate consequences on stake holders of the situation and your actions. Two minutes to swallow pain and bring forwards the rationale you're otherwise so proud of, could save you/me may be a life long worth of repentance. 


Have faith in me. We'll make it right. Nothing's lost. I'll do the right thing. I'll try and fix the wrongs. I will come out of this with my head held high.

A good time, place and person... Gone bad.

130am... A day well spent... I wud have said.. should have said. Wat the hell went wrong today then? Why does it feel like this? This aint right man.

No one wants to be taken for granted... And the feeling's worst when you know you are being taken for granted..only u cud stop it but you wont..cuz u cant. U feel helpless....

Living life like this was probably a dream once... But what have i become now..is more closer to someone i probably would have despised in the past.

The human mind always wanders back to the past... to the "simpler times". And I am no different.. If ever life gave me a second shot at living my life again.... sadly my present and current utterly adaucious and irresponsible ways is all I would wanna do away with! My past seems just so perfect.. Sadly we can never value and see how perfect lives are in the present! And its always... a good time you once had or a good time u wanna have in the future. I have no doubt... my life was beautiful. It was amazing... a pride present in me with no real effort. But now .. d pride's lost..n its only a facade..called "life".

I miss a lot of things today... A lot of people. A lot of places.. Miss Garwa, Miss Poonam... :-( Miss d 12th room on the 2nd floor. Miss my brothers.. Miss a city with a P, miss my days at TYA... How i hated travelling from Aundh to Wagholi..wish i knew..what was in store for me. Miss darshan park... Miss Pathardi Phata.. Miss those shared cab rides..to Kasara. Miss the long train journeys... Bangalore, Kalyan, Nashik, Pune, Mumbai, Nashik, Kalyan, Chennai, Pondicherry, Chennai, Bangalore, Kalyan, Nashik. Miss the all night longs in colaba... Miss the evenings spent in Marine drive. Miss those days when the wallet governed tastes, likes, dislikes... Miss days when window shopping in forum and a coffee in In&Out was the way of life. Everyday... Miss days when the simple things you did could make your loved ones smile.

Someone put me to sleep... I could go on and on and on..until it stops making any sense. LOL...

Today all i know is..I wanna change a lot of things in my life. A lot... Cuz i am not happy.. and i am notnaraz with anyone. Its probably only me..i am pissed off with. I could not hold on to the things that I once had..and things that mattered. I fucked up... and now all my head does is play games with me. Like its doing right now..

I wanna go back ma... I wanna go away..from all this. Create an identity that is a lot different from this current one. Where I am guy, who has his head firmly on his shoulders, n has no fake airs to himself. Promises what he can deliver.. and does nothing..not even a rat's ass worth..just to please someone else.

Ges dats wat it has come down to... I feel I have lost an identity I was once proud of. 

FUCK!!!! Dat is it...! Problem defined...! And ges my first step towards completely sorting myself up. LOL...

Writing does help... :-)

Forever And After...

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है, हाँ थोडा दर्द हुआ, पर चलता है...

A dear friend of mine, had once suggested.. “Keep writing, for no one else but for yourselves. For one day you would want to write something positive and pleasant about life after all the posts about how sad you’re with life and yourselves.” I guess that day has come… And as they say it, better late..than never.

In the past few months a realisation that has hit me really really hard in the face is that… Nothing lasts forever. No change is permanent and the only thing permanent is change. Promises are at the end of the day mere words spoken by a mortal like you and me. They are never to be taken seriously… At least not for long!

When something seriously seriously goes wrong in our lives, we often sit back and tend to think.. “This is going to change my life forever…” But then in reality, we WISH that it changes our lives forever. That’s what we hope for, but as I have realised now, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Something might change us, from what we used to be to someone we wish weren’t but then we change again!!! No matter how hard you try, you will change. One cannot stay the same forever… We live in a pretty dynamic world and our surroundings will not let that happen.

So… I was torn, devastated and overcome with grief to a point where I began enjoying it. My dreams shattered and my life thrown out of gear so much that I began finding sense it all the mayhem and chaos that ensued. A time came where I wished to remain in that state of chaos all through my life… I was absolutely loving it. But then again how silly was I..to wish for something to stay forever… Whether I liked it or not, things were to change. Life was preparing me for one 180 degree shift after another… And whatttaaa shift this was!! :)

And again!!! I find myself at a place where I pray every moment of my life now that this new change somehow lasts forever... Huh...!